Article #33
What
the F@*K?
(Or, Seriously,
What the F@*k?)
Just in
time for the scariest night of the year (yes, it’s Christmas eve – I swear
those elves are getting closer!) comes something that I just knew I had to have
the moment I set eyes upon it at a not too recent Comic Show. Ladies and gentlemen, without further ado, I
present the single greatest bit of comic book publishing Marvel comics has ever
done!
Yes,
from April 1984 (and no, this is not an April Fool’s Joke) comes the first ever
Generic Comic Book! Now I ask you, how
could you peruse the local comics rack and pass up this gem? Doesn’t it just beg to be open and read? Well, no, it doesn’t, but that didn’t stop
me!
Now you
may be wondering, just who is this Superhero (or is that Super-Hero?). Well, according to the story, we don’t
know. In fact, hardly anyone actually
gets a name. But that’s okay, because
what you will soon discover as you read this hefty tome, is that this guy is
THE Super-Hero! That’s all anyone calls
him, so that must be his name. Now
whenever people talk about a Super-Heroes, you can tell them to take a hike
because you know THE Super-Hero!
Superman, Spider-Man, Batman and all the rest are just posers, this
guy’s the real deal! Just whip out the
above image and let them tremble at your greatness (or stuff you upside-down in
a trashcan, whatever works better for you).
So,
what possessed the Marvel brain trust to put out this, uhm, work of art? Let’s have a look at the small print shall
we…
You
know, I’m not the first (not by a long margin) to dig up this beast. There are varying opinions on the matter as
to why this issue came into being, ranging from ‘in house’ joke at Marvel (a
satire of how low cost, recycled comic stories were at the time), to a guide as
to how to do comics the Marvel way. I
don’t know, it seems ridiculous to me that a company would actually waste
resources on such a thing. And if this
was a guide, then I suppose it would explain that brush with bankruptcy Marvel
had in the 1990s.
Best I
can figure, this whole endeavor was about copyright. Look closely and you’ll note that Marvel has
trademarked Super-Hero and Super-Villain, two fairly common lexicons of the
comic book industry. Speaking of which,
looking closely at the cover, you could argue that Comic Book has been
trademarked as well as little white boxes (the horror!). Back before the information superhighway age,
this was one way you could get the word out that Marvel and DC ruled the comic
roost and small publishers should beware.
And hey, it was probably cheaper than hiring a bunch of lawyers to scour
the country for copyright infringement cases.
Okay,
now I’m feeling paranoid. Let’s just
carry on with this thrilling tale!
Insert one
generic red head (just call her the clone of Mary Jane) girlfriend. Promptly have her depart. Add guilt.
Insert
little brother in hospital. Add more
guilt.
Next
insert prompt withdrawal of funds. Add
anger.
Add
prolonged exposure to GLOW IN THE DARK SOUVENIERS! Okay, now this is just freaking
ridiculous. I guess I could insert a
joke about Made In China toy recalls hear, but let’s not and say I did.
For
those of you who are actually reading this, please note that I’ve skipped a few
pages here and there because, I’m sorry, I just can’t go through this thing
again. Not without suffering massive
psychology bills in the future. Trust
me, you’re not missing anything. Okay,
let’s continue (where’s my Jack Daniels?)…
His
hair turned white. And he’s suddenly got
a physique. That, children, is the very
definition of FREAK!!! Thank God I’m
just a normal fat ass, imagine the teasing I’d get if I actually was a muscular
body builder with white hair.
Okay,
those are two of the most oblivious parents I’ve ever seen. And hey, here’s some fun with small
text. Doesn’t the kettle look like it
has the word ASS written on the side.
Also, the cereal is called COCO CRUD (our hero’s favorite
apparently). A quick look at the
ingredient label sees that 2 key components are zits and clams. Clams?
You
know, let’s skip a few pages and see what our Super-Villain is up to (yes,
that’s his name in this issue, Super-Villain)…
That is
the creepiest costume fitter I’ve ever seen this side of Liberace. I’d be careful where he puts that tape
measure Hero, if you catch my drift. And
hey, doesn’t the villain look a lot like a certain Simmons?
No,
that’s not right, I think it’s the other Simmons…
Yeah,
there you go. Remarkable likeness isn’t
it? It’s kind of funny, but the
Super-Villain’s gimmick is that he’s able to use his hypnotic helmet to drain
people of their confidence and strength of will, sort of like he’s the Anti-Richard
Simmons. Maybe he’s the Richard Simmons
of Counter-Earth?
Okay,
let’s continue (damn it, where is that Jack Daniels?)…
So,
after vanquishing a band of goons, our hero is beaten by a gimmick the
Ringmaster made lame over 20 years ago.
How will he recover? And hey,
wouldn’t the goons, I don’t know, want revenge on the man in white for the
beating he just handed to them or something?
Isn’t that why they’re called thugs?
Maybe they’re freaked out because it looked like Super-Villain’s fist
went right through our Hero’s chest in the 3rd to last panel. I know that’d freak me out.
Just
saying.
“This
is a coincidence which practically defies belief!” Heh.
I’ve
just got 3 questions: How come
Spider-Man never wears a football helmet?
And where can I find a Skin Jobs jacket cheap?
And why
does our Hero’s all white hair suddenly have streaks of black during the subway
ride and helmet spraying?
One
conveniently short fight later…
A
walkman. The poor, misguided Super-Villain
fool thought his weapon was perfect, only to be outdone by Sony’s trademarked
device. Wait a second, when our Hero
removes Villain’s helmet we note that Villain is wearing a mask underneath (how
freaking redundant is that?) and that our red-headed nemesis has switched
places with a lacky! How else do you
explain the change from fiery red-head to ho-hum brown? The colorist screwed up? You would blame the colorist you heartless…
ahem… okay, sorry, got carried away there.
I
wonder if our Counter-Richard Simmons took the place of the real Richard
Simmons after this humbling defeat in 1984?
Any of Richard’s close friends note a change in his character around
this time?
Yay,
it’s over! Hallelujah!!!
You
know what the scariest part of all is?
Marvel actually featured this book on their hype list in April
1984. Yeah, if this horrible thing was a
joke, it certainly was on us and the poor retailers stuck with this turd. Heck, it was so bad that there’s no mention
of a writer, penciler, inker, or any credits at all….
Maybe
elves aren’t so bad after all. Happy
Holidays, Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
Make sure you share the Coco Crud with that special someone this festive
season!