Article #51!
The
Invincible Iron Man – Commie Buster PART TWO!!!
OR…
Timberrrrr!
Well,
it’s been a while since the last site update. Yes, that’s the exact
same line I used in my last entry. I don’t suppose it’s considered
plagiarism if you copy yourself? Nah.
If
you’ll recall, last time we celebrated entry number 50 with a salute to
Iron Man’s first foray into motion pictures (well, “motion”
may have been too strong a word). If you’ve come back it means one of two
things – either you’re a masochist, or your mind was so severely
rotted that you know not what you do. Either way, welcome back!
This
time we’re highlighting the tale that introduced the Crimson Dynamo as
well as that sultry Russian superspy, Natasha Romanov aka the Black Widow! So
sit back, crack open a cool one and enjoy both the clips and my snide comments.
Same
rules as last time, when you see Pepper Potts pointing her finger like she just
don’t care, click on her to play a video clip!
Our
story opens deep in communist Russia (remember the CCCP?), a nation headed by
the sinister man pictured below…
Brr… scary…
I mean, just look at him. It’s almost like…
almost like…
…almost like he’s the leader of
Canada’s socialist NDP party! If you’re Canadian and wanted a great
reason to vote for anything other than NDP, there you go.
…OR…
…or almost like he could be the former governor of
Minnesota!
This is creepy. Just how many bald, mustached men are
there in politics? This can’t be a coincidence…
By the way, these are all screen caps – no
photoshop here.
Back to
our story. Comrade Premier is meeting with a top scientist, Ivan Vanko, to
discuss the best way to eliminate Iron Man. Thrill to the clip below with some
of the worst cut scenes, pointless camera rotations, and the most freaking
hilarious Iron Man “animation” you will ever see! Seriously, it
makes my animated gif crap look like Oscar material! Enjoy!!!
Click on Ms. Potts to watch the clip!
Or you could just gouge your eyes out now.
Either way you’ll get the same result!
Classic,
eh? Particularly when Vanko yells “Look behind you” as the Crimson
Dynamo appears in costume, and the Premier yells back “It’s Iron
Man!” I couldn’t believe my ears. Big red suit = Iron Man? Then
they cut to the wobbling Iron Man in his yellow suit and, seriously, what can I
add? Nothing I say will make that any funnier.
The
Premier sends Vanko to the USA on a mission of sabotage and he arrives to the
Stark factory just in time to witness a new rocket launch. You can tell
it’s a new rocket launch by the happy faces on all the factory
employees…
“Yay, a new rocket launch! That means double
security measures and extra body cavity searches!”
I know corporate brainwashing when I see it.
Everyone’s
going out to see the launch. Even Pepper Potts and Happy Hogan…
Keep an eye on Pepper kids, you’ll soon see why
she’d make an excellent superspy.
And as
things are wont to go, Vanko sabotages the rocket and it plummets to earth. Of
course Tony Stark doesn’t think too highly of this and he springs into
action, using his own body to shield the rocket from a horrendous impact!
Methinks Iron Man enjoys danger a bit too much.
There’s
a terrific crash, but everyone, Iron Man included, survives. The crowd is
stunned…
See, stunned! And, hey, didn’t pepper have a
completely different hairstyle and dress on just a few minutes ago?
Forget Dana Carvey, Pepper Potts is the true master of
disguise!
In retaliation
Vanko begins attacking Tony Stark’s factory – while Iron Man is
still there…
Dum-dee-dum… say, I think that red suited guy is up
to no good…
He is! He is up to no good! I’d better go fight
him. Here’s hoping he doesn’t shoot me in my very large and very
exposed eye holes!
And hey, why did my shoulder just turn blue???
So,
Iron Man and Crimson Dynamo enter a frantic fight to the finish. It’s
pretty touch and go until Iron Man hatches a very clever and devious
strategy…
…he drops a tree on the Dynamo.
That’s it.
What did you expect? Shakespeare?
Even Iron Man is shocked that it worked…
Is it just me, or did the mouth hole get bigger all of a
sudden?
While
the Dynamo lies there, beaten in the least eco-friendly manner possible, Iron
Man seizes the opportunity to convince Vanko that the Premier was merely using
him and was going to liquidate the naïve Vanko once he returned home.
Having, you know, actually met and gotten to know the Premier, Vanko readily
believes this and decides to defect to the good old USA and go work for Tony
Stark…
You know, now that I think about it, maybe having a tree
dropped on his head affected Vanko’s thinking as well. I mean, he decides
to join up with the guy who bashed his head in with a poplar rather quickly,
don’t you think?
The
Premier is naturally upset by this, so he orders two of his best spies to go to
America and take care of Vanko and Tony Stark. His two best spies?
Why Boris and Natasha or course? Who else?
No, wait, not this Boris and Natasha…
…this Boris (excuse me, Borak, my bad) and Natasha.
Recognize Natasha? You should, because that’s the famous Black Widow,
Marvel’s superhot superspy.
Really, I don’t know how anyone could miss this…
…I mean, the resemblance is spot on.
Some days
pass. One day Tony Stark returns to his office and is shocked to find…
…that Pepper has changed her hairstyle yet again!
What does he pay her that she can afford a full perm at
least once a day?
He’s
doubly shocked to find two people waiting for him. A sultry female and a big, brutish
guy – each with thick Russian accents and ne’er do well demeanor.
Apparently they’ve just decided to stop by for a guided tour of the arms
factory…
Tony Stark, “What’s that? You and your sinister
looking trench-coated ‘brother’ were just in the neighborhood and
thought you’d drop by? And now with your thick Russian accents you’re
asking for a tour of my military weapons factory full of top secret plans? You
know, since I’m the one who designed and built most of the stuff here, why
don’t I just show you around personally without any bodyguards or
security? How does that sound?”
See
what I did there? I just paraphrased Tony a little bit. Did you notice?
Eventually
Borak breaks away from the tour (how Tony misses the fact that his 3 person
tour group became a 2 person tour group is beyond me – maybe he just isn’t
any good with small numbers). Borak manages to locate Vanko’s lab and
surprises the defected scientist!
Vanko is surprised!
It’s at this point he realizes he should have gone
into politics – he certainly has the head for it. Get it? Huh?
Ah forget it.
“Oh no! Silly string! My one weakness!
Next Borak dons the Crimson Dynamo costume and proceeds
to sabotage the lab. At this point Tony Stark figures it’s a good time to
change into Iron Man…
Tony Start dons the awesome Red and Gold armor and –
and that doesn’t look too sturdy to me. It almost looks like something
you’d get out of an Ikea box, you know, insert panel A into slot B and
tighten with the Allen key.
Don’t get me wrong, I do like Ikea furniture –
I’m just not crazy about their ‘assemble-it-yourself’ body
armor.
Iron Man enters Vanko’s
lab to help him clear out some of the equipment – only to be betrayed by
the disguised Borak!
The finger poke of death! OUCH!
Beaten, Iron Man and Vanko are abducted by the Crimson
Dynamo (Borak) and taken to a waiting nuclear submarine. The world is stunned
as people wonder what has become of Tony Stark! See, it’s right there, on
the newspaper. Would I lie?
Pepper and Happy are so distraught that they go for a
drive in this recycled scene from the Mandarin episode I covered last time. And
yes, Pepper still had time to change her hairstyle. Again.
Tony awakens from his unconscious state and realizes he’s
been captured. He also realizes that in all this time NO ONE HAS BOTHERED TO
REMOVE HIS HELMET AND DISCOVER HIS SECRET IDENTITY!!!
Sorry, pet peeve.
You might be wondering why Tony has a wire running from a
light fixture to his chest. Well, he had to recharge his suit you see.
Fortunately he had an extra long extension cord for just such an emergency. An
extra long extension cord – with a universal adapter to fit light sockets?
Huh, I also didn’t know the suit ran on 240V
instead of the American 120V. Maybe he had a built in transformer? Ah well,
live and learn.
Tony finds the captive Vanko on the submarine and they
escape, returning to the factory. There, the Black Widow and Crimson Dynamo
wait to catch Tony Stark (see, since they never bothered to check under Iron
Man’s helmet, they just thought Tony was in hiding). There’s a big
fight, but eventually the Dynamo gets the upper hand…
…now the thrilling conclusion – and perhaps
the most anticlimactic sound effect in history…
Click on Ms. Potts to open the clip and watch in horror
as the story ends!
Did I say horror? Maybe I should have said joy?
Everyone’s pretty choked
up about poor Vanko. Poor, poor Vanko.
You know, when my time comes, I’d
like to go out on something other than “Boinnnng!”
There, there Pepper. Don’t cry. Why don’t you
just go and get another hairdo. That always cheers you up.
About 2
seconds later Pepper asks about the Black Widow, and Tony says how sorry he
feels for her too. You know, even though she did try to kill him, now she’ll
be hunted down by her own countrymen. She’s a spy without a country.
At
least until she decides to defect to the USA and become the superspy we all
know and love. Seems bald headed super scientists are easy cannon fodder, but
skin-tight black-leather clad red-heads – well, they’ve got really
long life spans in the world of espionage.
Who
knew?
