Article #45
Powerful
Pachyderms Pound Marvel!!!
OR…
I
think I’ve been drinking too much, I’m starting to see pink elephants!
You
know, it’s hard to believe that this May marks the 4th anniversary
for this website. So, on behalf of the
half dozen people who’ve visited over the years, congratulations website, I
guess. Four years. It boggles my mind to think I’ve kept this
thing going that long. You know, over
the years I sometimes give the web a search to see what makes my site stand out
from the myriad of other sites and blogs that do, well, pretty much the same
thing I do. There are a few items that I
can point to. One, I don’t have advertisements and pop-ups. Granted, some of the stuff I post is pretty
much an ad for comic companies, but more often than not, it’s stuff you should
avoid from comic companies. Two, I put on nice, big pictures of the
book in question. Granted, given some of
the stuff I post, having it blown up to giant size is not always a good selling
point. Three, I try to coherent stay the keep… wait, that isn’t
right. Sorry, must’ve mixed up the meds
again. What was I talking about?
So,
yeah, four years. Well, how about a
special entry to mark this historic occasion?
And believe it or not, the 3 points mentioned above will come into play
later…
In the
late 1980s and early 1990s you could argue that comics were at a pinnacle of
popularity. Batman was the juggernaut
for DC, fresh off the Batmania the 1989 film brought, and Marvel had their
uber-popular misunderstood mutants, the X-Men.
Now then, what would be a logical way to cash in on this success? If you said “spin-off series” you’re in the
ballpark. Scroll down, and behold what
the brains behind Marvel released to an unknowing populace on the 24th
of June, 1989 (I know that’s the correct date because the book has a date stamp
on it). Scroll down, if you dare!!!
Not
since the infamous Generic Comic Book has
a publication by Marvel made one pause and say, “What the heck were they
thinking?” It’s a really interesting
image, a knock-off of X-Men #1 except the X-Men are anthropomorphic elephants
and the Magneto clone is just looking at us, the audience, as if wondering what
the heck is going on. I sympathize with
you dude, I really do. It was this
sympathy that made me pluck this gem out of a dollar bin many, many moons ago. I even went one step further and rather than
take phony Magneto’s plea to heart, I actually opened this book and read it
cover to cover, taking the “choicest cuts” out and plastering them here for
you, dear reader.
Enjoy!
Fun Fact
#1: Circus trains are apparently also
deathtraps in the comic world!
The
pulse pounding origin of the Power Pachyderms finds an innocent monkey
uncoupling the elephant filled caboose near a nuclear testing site! Naturally, the double-agent sets off the
nuclear device on time, releasing scads of radiation upon the hapless car and
frying comrade scientist in the process.
As you
continue reading, make sure you note how many elephants are sleeping in the
train car, as there will be a quiz later on…
OMG!!! Put it back!
Put it back!!!
So 4
mutant elephants are born, each a parody of a well known X-Men character
(Daredevil in the case of Electralux).
Soon after their birth the Circus goes under financially. You would think that having freaks of that
caliber would bring in the crowds, but apparently that wasn’t the case here. The folks at the circus could’ve used a
better marketing department, I guess.
Anyway,
with the circus toast, the 4 youngsters go their separate ways, with the
feisty, short one ending up in a frigid bar working as the bouncer… sound
familiar?
Fun Fact
#2: Universal healthcare in Canada
covers retractable adamantium blade insertion.
This is
contingent on you providing your own adamantium.
And what
happened to Rumbo’s pants???
So what
do you do when a mountain stands in your way?
You climb it of course! Upon
reaching the top Rumbo finds…
Come on! Moe, Larry, Curly AND Shemp? That just ain’t right.
…and
yes, that’s the Three (really Four) Stooges greeting two of our heroes. The “Perfect Masters” give our wayward heroes
a direction in life, to fight evil, and also directions to their other wayward
colleagues.
Taking
directions from the Stooges… yeah, this is going to end well…
That last panel
was so nice, I thought I’d show it twice!
Seems
as they got older the mutant elephants had their powers manifest and Mammoth
gets to turn to steel and, uhm, streak the audience. Mammoth finds some buried treasure is what
his line got snagged on, which they use to buy a nifty headquarters.
Only
one member remains to rejoin the gang…
Trunklops is
obviously joining the team for all the right reasons.
Remember
earlier I said that one difference on this site from others is that I will,
often, show really big pictures of panels… often the most inappropriate panels…
anyone who wishes to retain their vision please avert your eyes as you scroll
down!
And if you ever
wondered what anthropomorphic elephant cleavage looks like, well, there you go.
Man, Wolverine
was never this creepy.
I don’t
feel so good. Ah well, it can’t get any
worse, right?
Hail,
hail the gang’s all here! Reunited, they
begin training in their headquarters with a very X-Men like danger room – well,
X-Men like if it were stocked with walking brooms ala Disney’s Fantasia.
Remember
when I said it couldn’t get worse? I
lied. This being a Marvel X-Men mutant
book, it must, of course, have the obligatory shower scene…
If you ever
wondered what anthropomorphic elephant butt looks like, well, wonder no more!
And don’t
elephants have tails???
I
really don’t feel good. I should stop
now. I really should… I need something
to quiet my stomach…
Okay,
so our boy Trunklops obviously has boundary issues. Oops?
Oops? He hears the shower running
and just walks in unannounced. Doesn’t
anyone bother to knock anymore?
This
being a Marvel mutant book, it also must have the obligatory love triangle
going on…
Wolverine was
never this creepy.
Now
wait just one second! Let’s do the math
on this one, okay? There were 4
elephants on the circus caboose. You can
scroll up and count them by their nightcaps.
Now let’s presume 2 are male and 2 are female. Okay, and there were 4 mutant elephants
born. So wouldn’t that mean that some of
them are siblings? And there’s a love
triangle going on? I don’t know about
you guys, but given the odds I’d say there’s something very Luke-Leia-Han Solo
from Star Wars going on here.
My
stomach is acting up again…
So the
team uncovers some underhanded shenanigans at a preppy music school and goes to
investigate, coming across the suspicious headmaster…
The eternal
question… are all evil musicians also closet Nazis?
Hey,
check it out, Mammoth has pants! Good
for him!
Clarinetto
calls on his students for help!
Look, it’s Bruce
Springsteen, Madonna, Cyndi Lauper, Prince and Willie Nelson! Now the real question is,
since they are members
of the Evil Musicians Brotherhood, are they also closet Nazis??
Well, maybe not
Prince. Maybe Cyndi is since she’s doing
the sign of satan.
A
titanic battle ensues, and soon tragedy strikes…
Oh crap, where
did her pupils go!?!
The
poor girl, bathed in radioactive make-up, has gone rogue! Her first act, besides poor singing, is to
decimate a very large area! How will the
other 3 Power Pachyderms deal with this rogue elephant in their midst???
Yes,
one powerful sneeze and the world is saved!
And our heroes learn a valuable lesson, that when you fight evil, you
could get killed. So, smartening up,
they decide to visit the four perfect masters and promptly kick their
asses. Once that’s out of the way, they
decide on their future…
My
stomach really hurts…
Now,
having read this over, I can’t figure out why, on earth, this book ever saw the
light of day. Sure, it’s meant to be a
humorous parody of the X-Men, but when you
own the actual characters, is a parody really necessary? And it wasn’t even humorous! It was “funny” however, not HAHA “funny”, but
that rank, way past the BEST BY date “funny”.
At best this could have been a back-up series or filler material in one
of Marvel’s (many) anthology titles at the time, but not as its own book.
You
know what’s really weird? This book had
absolutely no ads in it (just like my website, WOW, WHAT A COINCIDENCE)! It was 32 pages of pure story, with the back
cover housing some ads for other Marvel comic books. Think about that for a minute. Marvel put this issue out with funds entirely
out of their pocket without any advertisement revenue. Before it even went to print they MUST have
known they were going to lose money on it.
So again I ask you, why does it even exist? I know “funny animal books” enjoyed some
popularity at the time, with Spider-Ham, Top Dog, Heathcliff and others gracing
Marvel pages, but all of those were of well known, licensed properties.
And
they were often HAHA funny.
Ah
well, perhaps this is a mystery lost in the annals of time…
Now if
only I could get the image of elephant booty out of my mind!!!