Powerful Pachyderms Pound Marvel!!!
I think I’ve been drinking too much, I’m starting to see pink elephants!
You know, it’s hard to believe that this May marks the 4th anniversary for this website. So, on behalf of the half dozen people who’ve visited over the years, congratulations website, I guess. Four years. It boggles my mind to think I’ve kept this thing going that long. You know, over the years I sometimes give the web a search to see what makes my site stand out from the myriad of other sites and blogs that do, well, pretty much the same thing I do. There are a few items that I can point to. One, I don’t have advertisements and pop-ups. Granted, some of the stuff I post is pretty much an ad for comic companies, but more often than not, it’s stuff you should avoid from comic companies. Two, I put on nice, big pictures of the book in question. Granted, given some of the stuff I post, having it blown up to giant size is not always a good selling point. Three, I try to coherent stay the keep… wait, that isn’t right. Sorry, must’ve mixed up the meds again. What was I talking about?
So, yeah, four years. Well, how about a special entry to mark this historic occasion? And believe it or not, the 3 points mentioned above will come into play later…
In the late 1980s and early 1990s you could argue that comics were at a pinnacle of popularity. Batman was the juggernaut for DC, fresh off the Batmania the 1989 film brought, and Marvel had their uber-popular misunderstood mutants, the X-Men. Now then, what would be a logical way to cash in on this success? If you said “spin-off series” you’re in the ballpark. Scroll down, and behold what the brains behind Marvel released to an unknowing populace on the 24th of June, 1989 (I know that’s the correct date because the book has a date stamp on it). Scroll down, if you dare!!!
Not since the infamous Generic Comic Book has a publication by Marvel made one pause and say, “What the heck were they thinking?” It’s a really interesting image, a knock-off of X-Men #1 except the X-Men are anthropomorphic elephants and the Magneto clone is just looking at us, the audience, as if wondering what the heck is going on. I sympathize with you dude, I really do. It was this sympathy that made me pluck this gem out of a dollar bin many, many moons ago. I even went one step further and rather than take phony Magneto’s plea to heart, I actually opened this book and read it cover to cover, taking the “choicest cuts” out and plastering them here for you, dear reader.
Fun Fact #1: Circus trains are apparently also deathtraps in the comic world!
The pulse pounding origin of the Power Pachyderms finds an innocent monkey uncoupling the elephant filled caboose near a nuclear testing site! Naturally, the double-agent sets off the nuclear device on time, releasing scads of radiation upon the hapless car and frying comrade scientist in the process.
As you continue reading, make sure you note how many elephants are sleeping in the train car, as there will be a quiz later on…
OMG!!! Put it back! Put it back!!!
So 4 mutant elephants are born, each a parody of a well known X-Men character (Daredevil in the case of Electralux). Soon after their birth the Circus goes under financially. You would think that having freaks of that caliber would bring in the crowds, but apparently that wasn’t the case here. The folks at the circus could’ve used a better marketing department, I guess.
Anyway, with the circus toast, the 4 youngsters go their separate ways, with the feisty, short one ending up in a frigid bar working as the bouncer… sound familiar?
Fun Fact #2: Universal healthcare in Canada covers retractable adamantium blade insertion.
This is contingent on you providing your own adamantium.
And what happened to Rumbo’s pants???
So what do you do when a mountain stands in your way? You climb it of course! Upon reaching the top Rumbo finds…
Come on! Moe, Larry, Curly AND Shemp? That just ain’t right.
…and yes, that’s the Three (really Four) Stooges greeting two of our heroes. The “Perfect Masters” give our wayward heroes a direction in life, to fight evil, and also directions to their other wayward colleagues.
Taking directions from the Stooges… yeah, this is going to end well…
That last panel was so nice, I thought I’d show it twice!
Seems as they got older the mutant elephants had their powers manifest and Mammoth gets to turn to steel and, uhm, streak the audience. Mammoth finds some buried treasure is what his line got snagged on, which they use to buy a nifty headquarters.
Only one member remains to rejoin the gang…
Trunklops is obviously joining the team for all the right reasons.
Remember earlier I said that one difference on this site from others is that I will, often, show really big pictures of panels… often the most inappropriate panels… anyone who wishes to retain their vision please avert your eyes as you scroll down!
And if you ever wondered what anthropomorphic elephant cleavage looks like, well, there you go.
Man, Wolverine was never this creepy.
I don’t feel so good. Ah well, it can’t get any worse, right?
Hail, hail the gang’s all here! Reunited, they begin training in their headquarters with a very X-Men like danger room – well, X-Men like if it were stocked with walking brooms ala Disney’s Fantasia.
Remember when I said it couldn’t get worse? I lied. This being a Marvel X-Men mutant book, it must, of course, have the obligatory shower scene…
If you ever wondered what anthropomorphic elephant butt looks like, well, wonder no more!
And don’t elephants have tails???
I really don’t feel good. I should stop now. I really should… I need something to quiet my stomach…
Okay, so our boy Trunklops obviously has boundary issues. Oops? Oops? He hears the shower running and just walks in unannounced. Doesn’t anyone bother to knock anymore?
This being a Marvel mutant book, it also must have the obligatory love triangle going on…
Wolverine was never this creepy.
Now wait just one second! Let’s do the math on this one, okay? There were 4 elephants on the circus caboose. You can scroll up and count them by their nightcaps. Now let’s presume 2 are male and 2 are female. Okay, and there were 4 mutant elephants born. So wouldn’t that mean that some of them are siblings? And there’s a love triangle going on? I don’t know about you guys, but given the odds I’d say there’s something very Luke-Leia-Han Solo from Star Wars going on here.
My stomach is acting up again…
So the team uncovers some underhanded shenanigans at a preppy music school and goes to investigate, coming across the suspicious headmaster…
The eternal question… are all evil musicians also closet Nazis?
Hey, check it out, Mammoth has pants! Good for him!
Clarinetto calls on his students for help!
Look, it’s Bruce Springsteen, Madonna, Cyndi Lauper, Prince and Willie Nelson! Now the real question is,
since they are members of the Evil Musicians Brotherhood, are they also closet Nazis??
Well, maybe not Prince. Maybe Cyndi is since she’s doing the sign of satan.
A titanic battle ensues, and soon tragedy strikes…
Oh crap, where did her pupils go!?!
The poor girl, bathed in radioactive make-up, has gone rogue! Her first act, besides poor singing, is to decimate a very large area! How will the other 3 Power Pachyderms deal with this rogue elephant in their midst???
Yes, one powerful sneeze and the world is saved! And our heroes learn a valuable lesson, that when you fight evil, you could get killed. So, smartening up, they decide to visit the four perfect masters and promptly kick their asses. Once that’s out of the way, they decide on their future…
My stomach really hurts…
Now, having read this over, I can’t figure out why, on earth, this book ever saw the light of day. Sure, it’s meant to be a humorous parody of the X-Men, but when you own the actual characters, is a parody really necessary? And it wasn’t even humorous! It was “funny” however, not HAHA “funny”, but that rank, way past the BEST BY date “funny”. At best this could have been a back-up series or filler material in one of Marvel’s (many) anthology titles at the time, but not as its own book.
You know what’s really weird? This book had absolutely no ads in it (just like my website, WOW, WHAT A COINCIDENCE)! It was 32 pages of pure story, with the back cover housing some ads for other Marvel comic books. Think about that for a minute. Marvel put this issue out with funds entirely out of their pocket without any advertisement revenue. Before it even went to print they MUST have known they were going to lose money on it. So again I ask you, why does it even exist? I know “funny animal books” enjoyed some popularity at the time, with Spider-Ham, Top Dog, Heathcliff and others gracing Marvel pages, but all of those were of well known, licensed properties.
And they were often HAHA funny.
Ah well, perhaps this is a mystery lost in the annals of time…
Now if only I could get the image of elephant booty out of my mind!!!